Don't Fear The Reaper
by DapperT
Summary: John Shepard has seen suffering. He waged a four year campaign against the Reapers, and has made horrific choices in his time. He won the war, but can he win the peace? And just what is triggering his dreams? Is it truly his memories, or something more sinister? And whatever it is-what more will it do?
1. A Midnight Summer's Dream

The house stood proud on the beaches of the Northern continent of Rannoch. Nestled within the Rayya district, on the outskirts of the Quarian town Yar'Vay, it was constructed with a tropical aesthetic. A swimming pool was located immediately behind the house, stopping just before the beginning of the area designated as the beach, with a handful of sunbeds scattered around it. Adjacent was a Skycar (for longer travels) and a LR 4x4(for short trips), each encased within an anti-dust shield that shimmered in the late evening sunset.

In front of the house was a small garden, carrying a variety of Rannochian fauna of various colours, though the garden was in two halves. One side had an array of colours, which, when observed, formed the flag of one of the occupants home country, whereas the other had a variety of different colour plants with a purple flower border, both sides providing colour to the dusty ground on which they grew. The space between the two was covered in what was closest to 'grass' on the planet, forming a sea of neatly cut, abundantly growing yellow-red strands of grass, possible after a hard cultivating of the land. The building itself was reminiscent of a beach-bound rental house in the Caribbean, or maybe west-coast America, but with remarkable and subtle differences. The roof was decorated with carvings-lines interwoven into various shapes-which were a continuous from the centre of the roof to its edges, marking the clan of the occupants. The roof itself dropped down low, the edge being only just above the highest windows, allowing room for the clan markings and shade to fall within the house when the Sun were overhead, with the roof itself forming a pyramid-like shape, allowing the clan markings to be seen from any direction.

The house itself, below the roof, was constructed out of bricks, constructed on Rannoch, with a slight purple hue added by the house's occupants. The windows were clear and artistically shaped with curves and inclines, with the interior blinds drawn to ensure privacy. The house was comfortably sized, and had a ground floor and a first floor. The sunset reflected beautifully on the house, enhancing its colour and vibrancy. Isolated and comfortable, the house was the perfect home for those attempting to avoid the public eye, and live independently of the prying eyes of the media and the extranet.

For John Shepard, Saviour of the Galaxy and newly married man, it was home.

The war had ended 2 years ago, and things were beginning to return to normalcy-the various species of the Galaxy were continuing on as they had done before the 'Black Storm', as the Asari called them, came. Most species had their own names for the disaster which befell the Galaxy 2 years ago, most naming the cybernetic demons poetically in the wake of their defeat, but humanity kept the original name of the invaders-the word barely whispered in other species' cultures for fear of summoning them somehow. A name that even the Turians, and some Krogan hesitated to use, whispering their original names in hushed voices only in private company. A name that John had repeatedly cursed to hell over the last two years, after awaking at nights, having relieved his most horrific choice.

 _Reapers_

John sat a short distance from the house, sitting on a weathered rock watching the sunset. The sunset had only just begun, it being about 3 quarters visible above the horizon still, and its light still illuminated the coastline with a yellow hue, reflecting off the desert-like ground around John. John liked the light. It gave him an opportunity to think, to feel safe. Anyways, he thought, he deserved this piece of solace- he had spent a year and a half in darkness, in a vegetated state, unaware of the Galaxy, his crew or himself. The Reapers had left him with a permanent reminder of their presence-a piece of shrapnel from an exploding Reaper, no larger than a fingernail, had become lodged in the base of his skull after the confrontation of the Crucible. The doctors were unable to remove it without risk, there being an 88% fatality chance-an operation that Tali vehemently denied him having- and a large chance of mental impairment even if he survived. The other option was to wait, and pray that John would awake naturally one day. And Tali chose to wait, not wanting to even risk losing her love, and so for a year and a half John lay in a hospital bed in London, being treated with the best possible treatment possible in an attempt to coax a response. Nothing worked, and all the while Tali'Zorah was omnipresent in the ward, never once leaving her lover.

John's revival, however, became as traumatic as his injury that put him to sleep. A Turian terrorist group, 'Excubias Turian Honorem' or 'The Guard of Turian Honour', a group determined to restore the Turians to their position of unparalleled military dominance in the Galaxy, had arisen in the wake of the War. To achieve their Goal, and create awareness for their cause, they settled on an assassination of the bed-ridden John, the symbol of Human military might (in the eyes of the other races, despite his injuries). And so, a group of 20 or so charged into the hospital, careful not to shoot innocents without reason, for they demanded victory with honour rather than murder, and effectively held the hospital hostage as they searched for John. The area was surrounded by the metropolitan police, and eventually an SAS team was inserted after shots were fired from within the hospital. They found a team of dead Turians with shotgun wounds on entry, with a suited Quarian in a shootout with the leader of the group, the last survivor, in the corridor that John was on. The Quarian-Tali- had left the John's room to investigate the commotion she had heard, with a shotgun she had smuggled into the hospital 'Just in case'.

The official SAS report stated that the Leader "on seeing us blasted the lock from the nearest hospital room to him off in order to give himself entry and cover. The doors had been locked by the civilian, while engaged with the hostile Turians, using the emergency ward lockdown (a precaution taken by the Hospital due to the VIPs they dealt with). Unfortunately, the room the hostile entered happened to be the room in which their target, Commander John Shepard, was occupying. The civilian seemed aware of this, shouting "John!" and running from behind the overturned bed she was using as cover to the doorway. Inside, the hostile was using the Commander as a human shield, pointing a Predator pistol at the doorway. I and the team positioned ourselves at the right-side of the doorway, while the civilian occupied the left-despite our orders to get clear. One of the team, Major Williams, peeked around the corner and narrowly avoided a shot from the hostile. The hostile began to tell us to move away from the doorway, or else he would kill the commander-forgetting his mission in favour of self-preservation. To make his point, he hit the commander with the pistol grip of his weapon. At this point, something peculiar happened as we prepared to breach the room. The civilian was shouting obscenities at the hostile due to his actions, and we prepared to breach inside, when we heard a scuffle from within the room, followed by a gunshot, putting the civilian into a great deal of distress. Before we could stop her, she had stormed into the room, shotgun bared, to find the Commander standing over the writhing body of the Hostile, in his hospital gown, holding the hostile's weapon. The hostile had a leg wound, and was secured by the team before he could pose a further threat. The Commander, dazed and confused, appeared to have been revived by the blow to the head, and reacted automatically to being held as a hostage. As soon as he saw the civilian, however, he lost the confused look and embraced her, mildly dazed. We radioed for medivac for the hostile and signalled the all clear after investigating the hospital for further Hostile. By the time it came to leave around 20 minutes after the final shots, the civilian and the Commander were still embraced, whispering to each other."

John often thought back to the past, and usually did while musing on 'his' rock, watching both his house and the Rannoch sunset. Tali was away on an errand, collecting some wild herbs near a pond nearby (prompted by her scavenger nature, she claimed), leaving him on his own. John sighed, having sat down for a while, and began to walk back to his house, the sunset creating a large shadow at his side. He wore casual clothes, and was grateful for this as he felt the warm Rannoch breeze float by him. "God I love this place" he thought, basking in the tranquillity he felt.

He activated his Omni-tool while he walked, and opened up the Video-call app. He opened up his 'favourite contact' list, and selected Tali's name, prompting the app to call Tali. She responded quickly with an eager "John!" She was wearing her enviro-suit, having not yet adapted to Rannoch, and John could just make out a bunch of Herbs in her other hand. John loved Tali's responses to his calls, and didn't think he would ever get tired of her eagerness to see him. "It works both ways, I guess" he thought to himself, with a chuckle. "Hey," he began, "you almost done?" Tali cocked her head at him, on hearing his chuckle, but shrugged it off.

"Yes John, you would not believe the amount of herbs around here! With this batch of _Rashz_ and _Geel_ , I should be able to make that meal for me and Auntie Raan next week without any more trips. She is still coming, isn't she?"

"Last I looked, yes."

"Good, good, I haven't seen her since the wedding last month." Inside her helmet, she smiled at the memory. "What's up John? Any reason for calling, or just a check-up?" she asked.

"I'm hurt Tali!" retorted John, feigning hurt. "I didn't realise I needed a reason to call my wife. I did want to ask how you were doing, see if you wanted anything doing in the house before you got back, maybe even ask if you wanted picking up, but clearly that's unnecessary. I'll book an appointment next time."

Tali's eyes widened behind her mask, not quite detecting the joking undertone of John's voice, and began to look at the floor in dejection. "I'm sorry John; I didn't mean it like that." John's heart fell on seeing his joke miss the mark completely.

"Tali, it was a joke." He replied sheepishly, looking away from her projected image. Fortunately for him, he was approaching the door to the house, so had something else to deal with-an opportunity to look away from the screen. If John had looked at the screen, however, he would have seen Tali's head shoot up, eyes widening again, saying "Oh."

An awkward silence lasted for a few moments, before Tali shouted " _Bosh'tet!_ Don't do that to me!" down the connection scarily loud. John was opening the door to the house at this point, and jumped slightly in fright. Tali lectured him on making appropriate jokes while he turned the lights on in the house, before turning to the projected image once again. "I'm sorry love. Is there anything I can do to earn your forgiveness?" Tali stopped her lecture, and pondered a moment, thinking of any outlandish thing she could make him do. After a few moments however, she settled on a simple request.

"Get me out some of that nice wine we bought last week out the fridge," she replied then sternly, before adding in a more playful voice "then I suppose I could think about forgiving you…"

John laughed; his spirits raised, and replied "I suppose I would like the forgiveness of my Quarian Princess." He walked from the light switches to the Kitchen, and opened Tali's dextro fridge, pulling out the wine. "This the one?"  
Tali looked at the bottle, and replied "Yes, that'll do nicely, remember the glasses," in her playful voice, "I'll be back soon, around 10 minutes maximum".

John smiled, and closed the connection. "Only a month married and we're already acting like this" he thought, shaking his head. He put the wine back in the fridge, to keep it cool till Tali got back, since she didn't like warm wine.  
"It's tasteless" she had said to him back on the Normandy, when they were talking in his cabin about random topics, "It just tastes like heated water". John grinned at the memory, and turned to the living room. He strode to the sofa, and lounged on it, turning on the television, which opened up to the Rayya News channel, where a reporter was giving a report on the deconstruction of the last Geth base, an act "That marked the end of final stage of the Geth-Quarian War, 'winning the peace', as the last bastion of fear and genocide, this remaining Geth base, is demolished, with its materials being used for the good of Rannoch-"

John quickly turned off the television, wincing in phantom pain. He closed his eyes, and took a deep breath before turning on the television again. "Something you're going to have to get used to John" he thought, "The decisions you made weren't small." He pushed it to the back of his mind, and after a few minutes of watching pointless evening programmes, he could pretend he'd forgotten.

Tali came in a few minutes later, holding a bag full of various herbs, which were (apparently) traditional ingredients of the Quarian formal dinner menu. They looked similar to basil, but the leaves had a variety of desert colours in various spots. They also carried a slight copper smell. Tali walked over to the kitchen, going out of sight of John as she walked into the other room. From within, she shouted "John, are you ok?"

"I'm fine Tali, only got back from work an hour ago, and you were already out. I got your note." said John, watching the television absently.

"That's good," shouted Tali from the Kitchen, "how was work?"

"Boring. The admiral that replaced you, whats her name…"

"Lia'rali _Vas_ Warrener"

"That's it, well she put in a request for 30 more standard homes in the 2nd district, so I've had to go and help them build it-the firm they originally employed were having some issues…"

"And they asked your firm to assist in the building? First time I've heard you've been chosen to go and build something, after all, you're so much better in demolition. You've had so much practice…" Tali giggled at that, and came out the Kitchen carrying two wine bottles.

"The Construction side was understaffed, today of all days, something about an illness, so I was ask-"John saw the bottles, "Oh god, I forgot to get them out the fridge!"

Tali sat next to him on the sofa, putting the bottles on a small coffee table in front of the sofa. The glasses were kept in a draw inside the table. "I forgive you John; I never could stay mad at you-except for that one time."  
John looked at Tali, confused. He put his arm around her, and asked "What time? When?"

Tali just leaned into John's shoulder, resting her head on it. "Oh, you know, THAT time."

"What? Tali, I have no idea what you're talking about."

Tali whispered into his ear.

"Oh, er…" replied John, blushing slightly, "Well Tali, you know, it was a busy time, it's not like I forgot anything."

"Don't worry John, I don't hold it against you TOO much." She said, mildly laughing. She was enjoying putting John on the spot, especially about this incident. John turned away in embarrassment, but then had an idea.

"You know, it's a shame you took your mask off for your acclimatisation time this morning. Now you'll have to use…what was it… the 'Emergency Induction Port' won't you." Tali looked up at him, and simply whispered in his ear

" _Bosh'tet_."

They sat like that for a few minutes, simply enjoying the others company, content in the knowledge that they had all the time in the world, the television turning into nothing more but white noise. The blinds were closed, blocking out the Rannoch sunset light, about a quarter of the sun still visible giving out light onto the house and surrounding area. After a few minutes, Tali began to stir, conscious of the wine still sitting on the table. "You still want a drink John?" she asked.

"I think I would, Tali." replied John. He watched Tali prepare the drinks, and looked around at the house. It wasn't huge, split into 4 sections: Living area (which occupied most of the ground floor, with a Kitchen in a separate room connected by a door and a hatch),The 1st floor(which was occupied by the bedrooms-one for Shepard and Tali, the other for guests-and was accessed from a staircase), Workshop (the small interior area of the roof, which Tali had fitted to allow her to tinker with bits of Tech-a handy room to have, due to her job as a Omni-tool software developer) and a small basement (which was filled with random articles of pretty much everything. "Storage for objects which will one day be useful" was John's reasoning for it when asked by Tali). To John, it wasn't a bad place to live. He looked at Tali again, and allowed himself a moment to admire her while she poured the drinks. Even in her enviro-suit covering up many of her features, she was still the most beautiful woman that he had ever laid on. His attraction to her wasn't based on looks, or convention, but the person. He had had many women try and throw themselves at him (Miranda was an example, he had fun trying to talk his way out of "maybe I wouldn't mind you admiring my body") thanks to his rather public celebrity status, but none had come close to his Quarian engineer. And to be fair, she was nice on the eyes out of the suit…

"John? John? Do you want your drink?"

John came back to reality, thankful in some ways due to the direction his mind was going, and took the glass, filled comfortably with white wine. "Thanks Tali." he said with a smile.

"You're welcome John." John leaned forward, and so did Tali, until their foreheads lightly touched-the equivalent of a kiss when Tali was in her enviro-suit.  
"You know what, Mrs Shepard?" he said without leaving the 'kiss', "I think I love you."  
"So…so do I Mr Shepard."

They held the 'kiss' for a time longer than any of the two cared to remember.

* * *

Both Tali and John were lying in their bed, half asleep and slightly inebriated. John had only had a few glasses, and was left simply with a pleasant buzz, whereas Tali had almost finished her bottle. "She needs to control her drinking" he had thought to himself happily as she had tried to explain her day's software programming with hand gestures and various _shrooms_ and _whizzes_ , "but how can I tell her when she's so damn cute."

Fortunately, she wasn't drunk, but she was in what John had coined "Playful Tali Mode", where he'd practically have to wrestle her to bed, otherwise she'd spend the entire night either pestering him or experimenting with wacky add-ons to her drone, Chiktikka, before waking up at some ungodly time in the morning, having worked herself to sleep, moaning that she was going to be sick. John couldn't help but remember his party before the Thessia Campaign during the war, where he had first seen this.

Tonight though, even 'playful Tali' was tired, and both had gone to bed, having watched television, drank and talked for a few hours.

"John, you did remember to book the day off tomorrow, didn't you?" Tali asked, half asleep.

"Um…Yes, I did…why was it again?"

"You need to see…see the GP tomorrow, you know, for your check-up"

"Ohhh fuuu-"

"John, don't be so afraid of Chi'weal, he's actually a really nice doctor, and I hear he helped Lia out at the wedding after she got that concussion. After Grunt happened. You know, Lia'vael?"

"I'll deal with it tomorrow, damn docs."

Tali would've laughed if she wasn't so tired, and instead just shook her head. Within minutes, both Tali and John were asleep.

But the sweet dreams that greeted Tali weren't there for John.

* * *

 _SHEPARD!_

"What?"

 _SHEPARD!_

John opened his eyes, and instead of being greeted with his bedroom roof, he saw an Alliance ship, the SSV Brussels according to its insignia, blasted from existence by a characteristic red laser. John slowly got up, to see he had been lying on a white walkway. Around him was white metal, with a deep drop below the walkway. He looked both ways, and saw that he was at the end of the walkway, and at the other end it split into three distinct paths. The central one was the widest, the end having five peculiar capsules. The other two led off to either a Kodiak or to a simple end, appearing to have nothing special about it. Above him was space, the battle between the Solar system and the Reapers raging, disconnected from John by a mere mass effect field. Shepard went to lean over the edge, to peer into the abyss, to find he couldn't. Instead, he was looking around, shouting for Tali and Garrus, just like he did 2 years ago. John began to struggle, to try and take control and stop what was going to happen. What was done was done. For the love of God don't make him see it again.

A shape became visible from the end of the walkway, moving towards him swiftly as if he was floating. The figure had even appeared from no-where. John struggled more and more, trying to shout, run, shoot, anything to take control, but nothing allowed him to lose his spectator status. The figure continued to move, until he was able to make out the features of Saren Arterius, the rogue spectre with whom John had fought all those years ago. He was dressed in combat armour, barely touching the floor, and missing any of the tell-tale signs of indoctrination. "Therefore not real" thought John.

"Shepard" Saren said, almost cheerfully, "so happy to see you again". John regarded the figure, the out-of-character Saren, with distrust.

"What do you want? Where's my squad? If you've hurt them…"

"Don't worry yourself Shepard, they are fine. We're taking care of them" He finished with clear malice in his voice.

"We're taking care of them? You mean the Reapers? No…Where are they?!" John was screaming to himself to stop, to shoot Saren, anything to stop what happens next. But his body refused to heed, following the chain of events that unfolded 2 years ago. Saren ignored John's question, and continued "Now commander, let me tell you something you'll probably like to hear. We've –the Reapers- have lost. There, I said it. Thanks to the fact you're standing here, we have lost. What matters now to us is the future. You see, we may be all AIs but we do look ahead, and we see three distinct ways this is going to go, and we've taken the trouble of setting it all up for you. Here, you decide the future."

John was distrustful, but curious. He had been expecting a sneak attack, not an admission, and this was very uncharacteristic of the Reapers. "What futures?" he demanded. The inner John was resorting to trying to close his eyes to stop himself from seeing any further. Saren did the Turian equivalent of a grin. "You can take that Kodiak and fly away, and leave the fight to chance. That's the only way we have a chance of living, but look around you Shepard; does it seem the right option?" At that moment, a Turian Frigate exploded just next to the Crucible. "The other option is to shoot yourself at the end of the walkway with nothing at the end, activating the Crucible and meaning the Galaxy loses your influence. Hey, how do all the different races get on now? I'm sure they have all decided to put away their issues and live as one unit until the end of time; but didn't they think that on the Normandy? How quickly did they leave without you to keep them there? Will you bet your life the races will continue to be friends? I'll leave that to you." Saren began to lead John down the path towards the 3-way junction.

"Why should I pick any of these paths? They are all doomed to create disaster" John shouted at Saren as he walked down the path, trying to get a response. Once they reached the junction, Saren spoke again. "There is one more option. You can destroy us by activating the Crucible, and return to the Galaxy and prevent War. Play the diplomat, as you have during this war. You win Shepard, effectively."

"What's the catch?"

"No catch. I'll allow you to walk down this path, observe its cost, and then make your choice." With that, Saren vanished, leaving Shepard alone on the walkway. John walked down the central path toward the capsules, grimly wanting to observe the 'cost' of this option. "The other options seem pointless, why do the Reaper's think I'd take them?" he thought.

As he approached the capsules, they began to move, twisting around. And on the back of them, were 5 of his crew, his friends. Tali, Garrus, Kaiden, James and Liara, all pinned to the capsules by metal binds, trapping their arms, legs, upper waist and foreheads against the cold metal of what weren't capsules, but circular posts. They were gagged by a Cerberus device, one John had read reports of them using on prisoners, which stopped prisoners from talking, with an electric shock being triggered if speech is even attempted. John dropped his weapon in surprise, backing away. He had sent all of them on missions in London away from Hammer, either with him or independently. And the Reapers had got them. Saren's voice spoke in his head "Shoot them, and activate the Crucible. You know just as well as I do that if the Galaxy needs to win the peace-they need a Shepard".

"Why should I believe you? Why is this necessary" John voice wavered, "Why does the Crucible need death?"

"Let's call it space magic Shepard. I could explain it, but we would be here a long time."

"You're lying. I know you are"

"Then take the Kodiak, fly away, leave your friends, and we will soon see whose lying" Saren's voice spat out the words, as if blasphemous that John had even considered that.

"In either option, they die. What sort of choice is this?"

"No, if you shoot yourself, they'll be freed and they'll take the Kodiak, and they'll shepherd the galaxy to a brilliant peace. Because they did a brilliant Job at convincing races to make the right choices, without you, in the past haven't they? Now stop stalling, and choose."

"Damn you!" shouted John. "There's always another way…" A small piece of his mind, however, agreed with Saren. They hadn't been able to convince the Races about the Reapers, even with the data from the collector base. They would drift apart without him, losing their perk of being a unified force, and would eventually just settle into new lives, like they had when he died, when he was grounded, seeming to just hope for the best. The Galaxy needed him, not his crew. "No" thought John, disgusted with himself for thinking that. His mind reacted, telling him it was 5 lives for the lives of millions, and again he argued with himself "I am not a Reaper. I don't let maths and pragmatism rule my choices".

Isn't that what we did to the Geth?

A voice shouted in his radio "Shepard! If you're still there, you better do something quick! We can't keep the Crucible covered much-" The voice cut out, and occurred instantaneously with the destruction of another SSV vessel. John, the dreamer, had given up trying to claw his way out of his own body, and just watched with dejection. A tear ran down John's cheek, and he bowed his head, picking up his pistol.

"There's always another way. A high road…" he tried to convince himself, and he began to look desperately for some sort of release latch for his friends. But everything was just smooth white metal, with no latches, no release levers, nothing. He looked up again, and his tears began to accelerate, until he was openly sobbing. There were barely a handful of ships left fighting the Reapers, the majority of the fleet being wreckage floating aimlessly in space. "This is Admiral Hackett to all ships, if you're still able pull back to the relay, and regroup at staging point C, I repeat, staging point C," there was a short pause "Godspeed." Shepard watched as the ships that weren't too heavily damaged attempted to escape the Reaper massacre, but the retreat turned into a rout. John could see complete anarchy as the different races tried to use the others as diversions for the Reapers, who were ever-present, destroying all they could reach. John saw the Destiny Ascension burn as a Reaper ravaged it with a series of powerful shots. The Turian command ship 'Iustitia' was physically ripped apart by a Reaper using its huge arms. Utter devastation; and it was clear that they had lost-unless he activated the crucible. He saw the different races trying to use the others as bait, and he had to accept one thing. The alliances he made weren't going to hold without a common enemy, heck they were crumbling now, and…and…and…

He needed to hold them together, since in the wake of the Reaper War tensions would rise between the races over recovery and scapegoating. Each race would blame the others for the Reapers, compete for the few remaining resources, and risk war to regain the old Status Quo. Potentially, it could be disastrous, and another Galactic war wouldn't go well for the civilians trapped in the middle. He had to stop it, and maintain the alliances. With or without his humanity.

John turned to his 5 friends, his comrades, and avoided their gaze, not wanting to see what they're thinking. He raised his weapon, and pointed at the one furthest from him, Liara. Were they silently begging him to stop, to kill himself and let them go, and let them try to keep the races together? Or did they agree with his decision, to sacrifice them for the greater good? His hand shook, but then became steady, as John tried to block out what he was doing, and become even slightly stoic.

"5 lives, for the lives of millions" he thought with disgust.

He shot Liara first, then Kaiden, followed by James. He cursed himself after every shot, feeling himself feel sicker and sicker after every execution, whispering hollow apologies to each one. He came to Garrus next, and dared himself to look his best friend in the eye as he did this. It was the least he deserved. Garrus' eyes were emotionless, clearly trying to contain their emotion, succeeding mostly-but fear was so evident. John pointed his pistol at Garrus' head, and fired. He was physically sick then, puking on all fours on the floor. The next one was Tali. He stood up, and looked at her. She was pleading with him, with her eyes, and it made John sick again, once again falling to his knees. "I'm so sorry" he said to her, as he knelt in front of her, his body being racked with sobs. "I am so…so sorry". And with that, he stood up, pointed his pistol and fired, keeping his eyes firmly shut. As the bullet impacted Tali, the binds that held them released, collapsing the 5 corpses to John's feet. Both inner and outer John screamed in anger and loss, and he collapsed to his knees once again.

In his head, he heard Saren laughing, with the voice of Harbinger telling him "Shepard...You taught your cycle to cast away their salvation. You taught us vengeance." And with that, the laughing rose to a deafening crescendo in John's head, before he slammed his fists down on the floor he was knelt on, shaking his head in an attempt to dislodge the noise. "Quiet!" he shouted in desperation. To his surprise however, the laughter did stop. He was taken aback, and saw his location had changed. The corpses had vanished, the crucible faded away, and John found himself standing within a large room, reminiscent to a Citadel Ward market place-like Zakera- but barren of any furnishing. There were no shop counters, seats or windows, just a barren room barely illuminated by a thin neon strip running along the ceiling, with a huge terminal occupying the wall at the end of the room. Surrounding him were dozens of Reaper and Cerberus troops, while on the terminal were the simple words "engage". John twisted around, searching for any signs of the Crucible as he had just seen it, for his friends, but he was alone in the room. He walked over to the terminal, wary of his surroundings, shouting for Garrus and Tali. There was no response, his voice simply echoing through the space station. John tried to put what had just happened to him to the back of his mind. "I've done the hard part" he thought, "just save the Galaxy, John."

John observed the terminal, and found that despite its size, it had a simple QWERTY holographic interface, the system apparently only requiring a single command to start the crucible. John hit enter, and bars of light began to appear on the walls around the room, with the neon light illuminating the room switching to emitting a pale red glow. The screen read "Crucible activating", and a robotic PA started up, saying "Warning, major power redirection detected. Station integrity failing. Please evacuate". From behind him, he heard two sets of footsteps coming towards him in quick succession. His hearing told him they were two runners, and John turned to find Tali and Garrus sprinting towards him. He watched them, wide eyed, almost in slow motion, with his vision interchanging between their current states and their corpses. He heard an inhuman laugh shake the halls around him, and he screamed, before collapsing to the floor. " _Keelah!"_ he heard Tali shout as his vision darkened, and Inner John prayed to wake up, or even take control and change things. If he had been able to escape with Tali and Garrus on foot, without being carried during their escape, they could have escaped. If he had been able to fend off the remaining Reaper troops with Tali and Garrus, that relying primarily on Tali as Garrus carried him they would have been quicker. They wouldn't have been caught in the explosion of the Citadel. He wouldn't have been hit by shrapnel from a dying Reaper. He could have built Tali her home, instead of lying in a hospital bed.

But he killed her. He didn't deserve it. Any of it. Even the deal he got. John Shepard was a murderer. The irony was, the Galaxy didn't need him anyway, they simply played politics and life continued, but he was willing to kill his friends, his lover, on the word of a Reaper telling him the Galaxy needed him.

"Perhaps that's what indoctrination feels like" thought John in the darkness.

* * *

John bolted awake, breathing heavily, anxiously looking around. It was hot, around 20 degrees, and about 3:00 LRT (Local Rannoch Time). He saw Tali, sleeping peacefully next to him, and his heartbeat slowed slightly, sighing slightly.

"Son of a-" said John, wiping his face with his palms. He was sweating heavily, and his mouth was dry. He got up, and walked down to the Kitchen, pouring himself a glass of water, and chugging it down in one go. He put the glass down, next to the sink, and peered out of the window behind it, onto the plains of Rannoch. "Every-night," he thought "every bloody night. Just forget, god damn it." He peered silently out of the window, despite barely anything being visible in the absence of light, and simply reflected on his dream, the horror of it.

"John?" he heard from behind him, and he felt a gloved hand hold the hand he was leaning on the counter. Tali stood next to him, and didn't say anything more, simply looking out the window with him. They stood like this, not saying anything and simply standing together, for a few minutes.

"Another nightmare?" she finally asked, without leaving her vigil out the window.

"Yes." Replied John simply, his voice devoid of emotion.

"Will you talk to me about it, or the doctor? We can get you a…what're they called…psychiatrist or-"

"No Tali," said John, turning to face her, "I appreciate the thought, but I'm just going to re-iterate what I've said every night now for weeks. I'll talk when I'm ready, I promise." He turned and walked away. Tali sighed. This conversation happened almost nightly now, never changing, turning almost into a routine. She felt helpless, with John refusing to talk to her about his dreams, to help him. It formed the only taboo topic of their relationship, the only detail she had ever been able to get being some vague reference to the Crucible, but never any specifics. "This has to stop," she thought, "for his sake". She made a quick course of action in her head, and silently prayed for a breakthrough.

"Tali, you coming back to bed?" she heard John shout from upstairs, the normal tones and emotion beginning to enter his voice again.

"Coming John" She shouted back, and she walked back to bed.

* * *

 **A/N:Hello, and thanks for reading. I've been out the loop, changed my fanfic name and started afresh, and I hope that I'll be able to dedicate myself a bit more to writing. This was origionally going to be the first in a series of one-shots, but I changed my mind, and I've decided to make this an actual story- just don't expect regular updates, since I can be VERY sporadic...**

 **But reviews help my pen write swiftly (-wink wink nudge nudge- no? Was that not very subtle? Shit.) Well, despite my attempts at comedy, you get my point. I hope to see you next chapter!**


	2. Chi'Weal

The sun was new in the sky when the Skycar rose from beside the Shepard house. The young morning sun reflected off the skycar's gleaning metal beautifully, as light reflects off a mirror, and was just as blinding to the poor soul that looked at the vehicle when it passed. Inside the Skycar, Tali and John sat in an awkward silence, neither knowing what to say to the other, the memory of another night's disturbance still fresh in their minds, coupled with John's distrust of all doctors-a fact that was only amplified by their destination: a check-up for John. Tali was driving, with John staring outside onto the plains of Rannoch.

"John? How are you feeling?" asked Tali, clearing her throat slightly, trying to break the silence.

"I'm fine" replied John curtly.

Tali simply nodded, and turned back to the road, seeing the futility of trying to push John into a conversation. The road, although not made from concrete and asphalt, like the ground based versions on earth, but by frequent buoys in the air, around 500 meters apart, which marked the area in which the Skycar could fly. This was assisted by the Skycar's VI ensuring that the Skycar stuck to the path. The journey to Beas'reth, the nearest city to where they lived, and where the nearest major hospital was, was a two hour drive in a Skycar, being easily around 150 miles away from their home.

"Plenty of time for John to lighten up" thought Tali. "He usually does after an hour or so."

The interior of the Skycar itself was relatively plain, maintaining a similar layout to many of the other stock Skycars, regardless of make. The seats were black, facing a tinted window, but with some extra vents in strategic places to increase cold air flow. The Skycar's paint black like the seats, but with twin redlines moving down it, almost akin to racing strips, reminiscent of John's old N7 armour. The only bit of personalisation on the aircraft was a small window freshener which hung from the ceiling, in the design of the 'SSV Normandy'.

John fiddled with the radio' located between him and Tali, maintaining his silence, turning on the local broadcast. The only station not broadcasting 'traditional' Quarian music-which sounded faintly like Irish folk music with a synth and bass twist, a combination John couldn't exactly say he didn't not like, was a talk-show broadcasted from some nearby mountains, which was where the QBC-the Quarian Broadcasting Corporation-had located their headquarters in this district.

"-And so, and so, you know what I said to him, the bosh'tet?" said the first voice that came on. John wasn't sure if he was a presenter or a guest, but the voice was full of unrestrained enthusiasm, what for wasn't revealed.

"What, Han'Xan, what did you say?" said a second voice, female and clearly trying to hold back laughter. John realised that the other person must be telling a joke.

"I said 'I know you've got a faulty Omni-tool, but where's your ship?" Laughter roared out the radio-even Tali chuckled slightly, leaving John completely confused at what he saw as a bad Joke. If there even was one.

"I don't get it, what's the Joke?" he asked Tali.

"You probably need to hear it in Khelish to get the joke," explained Tali, "and you need a Quarian sense of humour. It's an old Quarian joke." John simply nodded slowly, still utterly and completely lost to the joke, before turning away again. Seeing this, Tali quickly turned down the radio, almost to the point of muting it, and turned to John. He had resumed his vigil staring out the window. Despite putting off the conversation before, she thought she had at least try to get him to talk.

"John, we've had this conversation before, I know, but I want to ask; what has you so restless? Why can't you get a single night's sleep without waking in a sweat? What's wrong John?" she asked, almost begging. This was a conversation that was repeated every couple of days, usually concluding with John dodging the question, but now he had nowhere to go. No way to dodge the question, at least in Tali's hopes.

John sighed, before turning to look at Tali, looking her straight in her eyes. "Tali, I've said that I'll answer that question when I'm…ready to talk about it. It's a topic that I'm not comfortable with, and I asked that you'd respect that."

"John, believe me I would like to, but-"

"Tali, believe me when I say this-there is nothing I want to hide, I just…can't talk about it yet. Not until I've come to terms with it myself, heck, remember the war was two years ago for you. For me, it's only been a few months." The sentence hung in the hot air of the Skycar for a moment, as if searching for a way out. "Please don't aggravate this."

"No John" replied Tali, not letting the frustration she was feeling reach her voice, "bottling it up like you're doing is only adding to the issue. I don't think you're hiding anything, it's just…how do you think I feel? I've had my John back from the dead twice, but now it's like your still fighting the Reapers, having to keep a strong face on. Never letting the Commander rest, and letting John out. You don't have to do that anymore, you are allowed to be John Shepard, not the Commander. You're restless at home in the mornings, in the nights sometimes, after the bad days, and you don't tell me why? Is it me John? Do I bring up the memories? Is that why you don't want to talk? I'm not sure what to think."

"Look, Tali, I promise you that this isn't you, it's just a personal issue. I'll tell you one day, I just need to come to…terms…with it myself."

"And I can help you do that!"

"Tali, just leave it, please."

Tali just shrugged her shoulders in surrender. Both of them knew that the conversation was far from over, but both could see the futility of the argument. Tali was determined not to spend the Skycar journey in an awkward silence, however, and decided to change the subject. Her mind raced with possibilities, from "Anyway, how's your sex life" to "Isn't the weather nice". Tali then decided she just should stop thinking, and just decide to deal with the other elephant in the room.

"How do you feel about seeing Chi'Weal John?" asked Tali.

"Well, Tali, you remember what I said in the medi-transport back on the Tuchunka mission-just after our last shore leave during the war. You know, the one where Wrex asked us to remove a couple of Predator nests near that hospital he had set up to…deal with the effects of the Genophage cure, if you know what I mean."

"Yeah…the one that meant we had to clear complete buildings of the things. Still think we should have just hit it with an orbital strike. Much easier, and you wouldn't have been swiped by those things. Anyway…what was it you said?"

"I said-and I quote- 'If I have to see a doc that isn't Chakwas then I am just going to sneak aboard a ship and escape to the Normandy, with or without scuttling the fucking hell-ships on which the doctors fly. Damn leeches'. All I say is that I still hold to that threat, it just doesn't seem I have much choice now."

"You didn't then, you were delirious thanks to an infection."

"Well, you know, back then I could lock myself in our cabin, and use Captain's orders to keep you out when you would inevitably come to drag me there." Tali narrowed her eyes. "Not that I ever would, love, I would never entertain the thought." John shifted in his seat slightly, uncomfortable. "Besides, you could be very persuasive in making me swallow my pride and go to the docs," he nudged Tali, "eh?"

Tali gave him a slight slap to his arm, saying "Dirty Bosh'tet", but also chuckling slightly. John noticed he felt Tali's blow more than he used to-in the past, he was usually in his armour when Tali found an opportunity to give him a playful whack, either after being reckless, dodging a medic or the like. Now that he was out of his armour, instead wearing a shirt and trousers (pants), he was still getting use to the feeling of actually feeling Tali's blows.

"A small detail, but a noticeable one," thought John, "Show's the war really is over."

Tali was still chuckling, and John began to join her, finding her chuckling infectious, and it wasn't long until both were openly laughing. Tali smiled-John was out of his 'morning depression', and hopefully, she thought, this trip should provide some answers.

The Skycar sailed through the sky.

* * *

During the Reaper War, the SSV Normandy was the Alliance's, and later the URF's (United Races Forces), premier Special Forces Unit against both the Reapers and the Cerberus insurgency. The War lasted for two years, and through-out the Normandy and her crew were used as everything from diplomats, to precision strikers, to Shock troops. There were periods of relative in activity for the Normandy, as it was occasionally used as Recon in Reaper-controlled space, and times of intense action as they participated in the various campaigns which characterised the conflict. The war wasn't a few week affairs.

John's choices were major, and sometimes led to alliances being made and fractured. He had cured the Genophage, and lost the majority of the Salarian Republic's support for the war, bar a few dozen deserters from their STG and Research labs. Shepard was later forced to watch Sur'kesh burn, as the URF couldn't support them since they had left the alliance. John had ended the Second Morning War, and saw the truth of the conflict thanks to the Geth, but was forced to let the Geth fleet burn in order to save the Quarians, and kill Legion-his friend- for simply trying to stop the genocide of his race. John was forced to watch the URF abandon all evacuation operations in preparation for the final Earth campaign-sentencing thousands of troops and civilians across various planets that hadn't got to evacuation points in time. He had had to allow enemy forces to often attack other people, even innocents, to allow him and his team to infiltrate or exfiltrate successfully.

It weighed on him, a natural paragon, to the extent of nearly driving him to madness-but John never lost sight of his goal. Too many relied on him to allow him to be human.

* * *

Both John and Tali were sitting in a waiting room, at the Qwib-Qwib memorial hospital. The name, a result of Zaal'Koris' pushing for a health service-this hospital being first-and so named after the Admiral's late ship, adorned the wall of the waiting room, above the cut-away section of the wall which showcased the reception. There was a single Quarian at the desk, punching away into their computer, and a handful sitting around the room, obviously waiting for their appointments. The walls were white-typical of a hospital- and the seats were all a plain green. There was a T.V on the wall, broadcasting the news, but neither John nor Tali paid it much heed. Nor had they for the last half hour.

John was looking longingly at the door that led to the car park. "Why do I need this appointment anyway?" he asked no-one in particular.

"You know John; you have got a massive shard of shrapnel in your skull." Tali replied to his question, rather matter of flatly. John just sighed.

"But I'm alright, you know, I'm not dead or anything. Didn't the doc's check this when I left London?"

Tali just turned and looked at him. She didn't glare, but John saw the message. "Alright-"

Before he could continue, a Quarian man walked out a door next to the reception, holding a folder filled with documents. He wore an enviro-suit, much like most Quarians still, but had a lab coat on. A purely aesthetic gesture, taken so that doctors and scientists could be recognised easier by other races, now that they came into contact with the Quarians much more.

"John? Tali? I can see you now" he said. The voice was vaguely eastern-European, and the man stood rather proudly.

Tali was the first to react, walking over to him. "Chi'Weal, it has been too long."

"Thank you Tali, but it's just Chi to you, and to John. We've known each other long enough. Heck, I've been treating you ever since you joined the Neema!" John, by this time, had walked over to the two. He said a hasty hello to the doctor, which Chi'Weal replied in turn.

The three walked out the door, and into the hospital. Unlike human hospitals, there wasn't multiple entrances for different wings-i.e. Accident and Emergency, main hospital etc., but only one for the entirety. But then again, the hospitals were substantially smaller, since most Quarians dealt with all but the major wounds personally, due to 300 years of medical centres being reserved for combat wounds and major suit breaches.

"I've been reviewing your files," said Chi to John as the trio walked through the hospital toward Chi's office, "I've got them all in here." He nodded toward the folder in his arms.

"You're using paper?" said Tali, surprised. There were few uses for paper, thanks to technological advances.

"Oh yes," Chi replied, "an unnecessary gesture, but you can't lose anything to hacking or virus' on paper, so I've made it a personal mission to try and compile my database off paper records, rather than virtual records." Chi looked wistful for a moment. "It's worked lovely so far."

"So what's up?" asked John.

They turned a corner, and Chi walked to a door in the corridor, typing in a passcode. "I'll tell you inside. Come." He unlocked the door, and the three walked into the room. It was relatively Spartan, with a bed and a decon field in an extension of the room, with the original square being taken up of a desk, a seat behind the desk and three in front of it, and as many filing cabinets as could possibly fit behind the desk- one of which was open. On the desk was a photo frame and a computer.

"Take a seat" said Chi, gesturing toward the seats. Tali and John sat down, as did Chi, once he'd closed the open filing cabinet.

"So," began John, "I understand the docs back in London have finally sent my files. What's up? Why did we need to have a check-up?"

Chi opened the folder, and took out the first piece of paper. "John, I'm going to be frank, and read from this- it's better than how I'd say it." He took a breath. "Having analysed data from John Shepard's injuries after his two year coma, we are pleased to inform you that he will make a full recovery to the wounds that still remain." Tali squeezed John's hand underneath the table, earning a smile from him.

"However," continued Chi, "one area of concern that needs to be brought to the attention of John Shepard, and any other involved parties is the piece of shrapnel that remains at the base of his Skull. Further studies, taken before his discharge from our own establishment showed that surgery was too risky to take without consent- a situation that still stands. The debris will have no effect on brain function, however, and so surgery is unnecessary as well, unless unexpected circumstances arise. Please monitor. The concern is to his mental health-John Shepard is a man of both bravery and mental resilience, however he is still human. If he is suffering from any mental disorder, request that he is admitted to the psychiatric services with all haste." Chi rose from looking at the paper. "What do you think John?"

John's face was emotionless, despite the fact he had had worse news in his life. He clenched Tali's hand in a death-grip. If Tali had to guess, and guess she did, it would be that it was because he was being told to have even more contact with the profession he despised the most.

"I'm fine." He replied, his voice carrying a slight iciness to it.

"Ok, have any of you two noticed anything unusual, anything that could be disturbing John? I realise it's a personal question, but I have to check."

Before Tali could reply, John said "Nothing." He raised his hands partially into the air, and tilted his head. "I've never felt better."

"That's great!" replied Chi, "I just had to check. I've nothing more to say- unless there is something you wish to discuss- and I'll leave some stuff for you to collect at the office-my contact number, in case you need help with your injuries, and some recommendations from the London doctors on how to watch John's health, just to monitor that shrapnel. I apologise for the briefness, but fortunately it doesn't need to be long- you seem to be coping quite well."

John stood up, shook hands with Chi, and walked to the door. "You coming Tali?" he asked.

"There's just something I won't to talk to Chi about. A female issue, you understand. I'll be out in a minute, go and pick up that stuff from the reception."

John got the message, and walked out. "See you in a minute" he said.

Tali turned back to Chi, who was looking at her. "What can I help you with? I can get you to talk to a female doctor, if that makes you more comfortable."

"No, that was a… slight lie to get John to leave. It's about him." Chi tilted his head, silently asking what it was.

"I don't want to go behind John's back, but…it needs to be done. He's not fine; Chi. He is far, far from it. Every night he wakes up, breathing heavily and covered in sweat, and refusing to talk about what it was that woke him- he keeps on saying that he'll 'talk when ready', but I just think he's bottling it up- why I don't know."

Tali began to sob lightly as she got her fears off her chest. "Occasionally, he gets really down, especially in the mornings, and again refuses to talk- and I can't shake the feeling I'm involved. The way he looks at me during this time, it's not hate or anything, just…sadness. Deep, pure sadness. And he won't talk to me. I don't know what to do. I don't-"her voice faltered, and Chi gestured for her hand. She put it across the table, and he held it, comforting her.

"Tali, thank you for telling me. If you want, ill order him a psychiatrist, that might-"

"No, that's no good, he's afraid of doctors- an experience he had as a kid on Earth, I think. It was difficult to get him here! He 'forgot' about a dozen times."

"Ok," He said softly, "Just watch him, and keep me posted on what he does, so I can monitor him. Float the idea of one to him- who knows, if these dreams and feelings are as prominent as you imply, he may bite the bullet himself and agree to see one. For now though, just remember-we can deal with this Tali, I've got yours, and John's, back."

Tali smiled behind the mask. "Thank you." She said. "Thank you."

"Not a problem Tali. Now go to him, before he wonders what we're doing".

"Of course, Chi, I'll keep you in the know."

Tali walked out the office to re-join John, and Chi leaned back into his seat, giving out a sigh. He activated hi Omni-tool, and activated the intercom app.

"Lia?" he said into the intercom. Lia was one of the requisitions administration team-the ones who dealt with gaining patient data from other hospitals galaxy-wide.

"Yes?"

"Place an order to the Alliance will you? For John Shepard's mental health history. I think I am going to want to take a look."

* * *

 **Sorry for the wait, Sixth form certainly gives you a lot of work, and it's typical that the worst is just as I begin writing. Anyway, a question for you reading-what do you think of Shepard's dislike of doctors, and I'll be discussing why soon, but what are your thought? it has become somewhat of a cliché within fan fiction now. Hope you enjoyed, and I'll see you next time!**


	3. The Gods Don't Forget

Tali had organized her table meticulously, ensuring that not a single detail was wrong, for over half an hour, going over the upcoming meeting in her mind for around a thousand times.

A week had passed since the visit to Chi'Weal, and within that time Tali's meal for her and Raan had transpired into an affair for the complete Admiralty board, much to her distaste. Although Tali was on good terms with the majority of the Board, it also contained two of her most hated people within the galaxy- Han'Gerrel and Daro'Xen. The rift with Xen had been there ever since Tali had begun her admiralty duties, and by the end of her duties grew into full hatred after snide comments about her and John's relationship, as well as her 'sympathy with the Geth', were made in front of the Enclave, when the Debate for giving John dual citizenship of both Earth and Rannoch was being held. Her hatred of Gerrel had begun after he tried to destroy a Geth dreadnaught with her inside (something both her and John paid him back for on the Normandy, both punching him in the Gut), despite Gerrel's Uncle-like status to her. Things had gone further downhill as, after her and John's relationship had been revealed to the Quarians when they retook Rannoch. She was pestered constantly by him to change her mind from the "immature" choice of Shepard and find a Quarian "her father would approve of" in Extranet messages. Tali mostly deleted them without a second thought.

The real hatred began at Tali and John's wedding, when at the human side of the proceedings-since the ceremony was a mix of Earth's Western hemisphere culture and Quarian culture- where it was asked if there was any reason the couple shouldn't bond, he had stood up and said "Yes, I have a Reason. He is a human, and despite his accomplishments I can't watch him manipulate Tali like this! He isn't a Quarian! What does he know about Quarian love? He will simply use Tali for his own means, and then leave her!" He had looked like he was going to continue, standing up from his seat and pointing harshly at John, but he was dragged out of the hall they had rented for the ceremony by a fuming Garrus and Kaiden before he could go on. To think Tali had invited him to try and smooth relations with him- he was her surrogate uncle after all.

Lost in her thoughts, she was awoken by a knock on her door. On observation out the living room window, she saw the official Skycars of the 5 admirals; spread around 50 metres from the house.

Tali had prepared the Quarian meal of Annika Vaan Rashz, a famed Quarian meal for Formal gatherings or important meals, as well as ran a decontamination protocol making it safe for the Admirals to remove their masks, as well as hers, to eat. Due to months of daily acclimation and state-of-the-art decontamination units, this meant meals and functions such as these were growing more common on Rannoch, as long as they kept it to a maximum of a few hours. The time had not yet come for Quarians to have free reign without their suits on Rannoch. She ushered the Admirals through her front door, greeting each one in turn. Tali noticed they were all rather silent, maintaining politeness but…subdued. Even Shala.

"You're all…quiet" She stated to them, as they all stood within her living room, all seemingly analysing her house. She felt a small amount of pride at this, but also a streak of annoyance-it was rather rude.

"Forgive us, Tali, but it was rather long journey, for all of us…allow us a moment to adjust. And can I say," Shala gestured around the house, "your house is lovelier than the pictures you sent."

"Thank you aun-Shala. I'm sure John would appreciate that."

"Is he here?" Shala scanned the room, searching for some sign of John. Tali wondered why, but didn't ask. She was probably just keen to see her Tali's husband, and pester him about looking after her. "I was hoping we…um, I could speak to him."

Tali raised her eyebrows. "He went a while ago, had to…uhhh…" she began to look intensely at her twiddling fingers. John had gone with the express reason of avoiding the Admiralty. "Had to get some air, he was feeling unwell and didn't want to contaminate the house for the meal." Tali applauded herself internally.

"Oh…ok. Well, no matter. Shall we have this meal? It looks delicious from here Tali!" The other Admirals, finished with their spying, all nodded at the suggestion.

Tali led them to the table, where the meals were already laid out. Admirals were busy people, and it had been requested they went straight to the meal rather than mingle-they had an Enclave debate later that evening. Since each meal was identical, the Admirals instantly stood next to a chair, Tali being at the head of the table as the host, Lia and Shala closest to her, Zaal and Xen next to them, and Gerrel at the other end, facing Tali.

None sat down, however, before Tali had. In Quarian etiquette, this wasn't necessary. While Human's saw it as polite for the Host to lead, a Quarian Formal meal was positively informal by Human standards. And Tali noticed this. "They must be feeling…awkward?" she thought. "But why?"

Once Tali had sat, and as a result the others too, they all took off their masks and Tali began the conversation with an ice-breaker.

"Warm weather we've been having." A series of agreements floated from the Admirals. Even for Rannoch it had been warm.

"Yes, I'm sure John must be suffering terribly" replied Shala with a hint of amusement, prompting another series of agreement from the Admirals. All except for Gerrel, who just stared into his meal keeping silent-possibly fearing saying just about anything. The last few times he had tried to pass on some wisdom to Tali, in his opinion, it had ended in physical punishment one way or another. The meal carried on for around ten minutes, with idle chatter dominating the table.

"Tali, I know it was…inconvenient to have us all here at such short notice," started Lia after a while, finally getting to the point of the wider visit, "But there is an urgent issue that we require your advice on-unofficially, for the time being. You understand, don't you?"

Lia'Rali was the admiral that had replaced Tali after the conclusion of the Reaper War, and was known to be a 'moderate' in Quarian politics. A moderate was someone who was between the Right-wing, who were focused on regaining some respectability and trading partners on the Galactic-stage, and the Left-wing, who were focused on improving Rannoch and the Quarian's resettlement efforts before looking toward being active in Citadel politics. So far, Tali hadn't heard much beyond news reports, so didn't have much of an opinion of her.

"Of course, but what issue? If there's anything I can help you with I'll be happy to help, but I don't know much about any rebuilding efforts or politics" replied Tali. She knew she was only an Admiral during the war because of her knowledge of both the Reapers and the Geth. She had no illusions to any greatness or leadership capacity, hence why she resigned.

"Well, you see Tali that does bring us to why this is a…unofficial meeting" chimed in Zaal, the other admirals nodding. All eating around the table stopped.

"Yes," added in Gerrel, "it is for the good of Rannoch that this is left out of the public eye, and especially the Enclave, until we have dealt with the matter. Global security, you understand."

"Wait, so this isn't about rebuilding, or politics? What is it about then? What security," asked Tali to the group, looking at each of them in turn, "What is going on here?"

Gerrel had stopped staring at his Annika Vaan Rashz, and was now taking steady bites, quickly consuming the meal, the only one around the table doing so. The other Admirals looked around at each other, as if daring the others to continue. Tali was beginning to feel uncomfortable about the situation. Something was wrong. Off.

"What is the issue then?" asked a confused Tali, lost as to what use she could serve directly to the Admiralty- and somewhat fearing the answer. Gerrel continued to eat, while the other Admirals looked either at the other Admirals or at Tali.

"Well, Tali, as I'm sure you've seen from the RNC, we have been deconstructing the Geth bases, both in orbit and on the surface, and recently-"

"Oh just tell the girl" interjected an irritated Xen, clearly frustrated with how the other Admirals were tip-toeing around the subject. None continued after the interruption, so Xen turned to Tali to tell her.

"Put simply, Tali'Shepard, we have discovered dormant Geth, who are very much alive, and these fools want your opinion of how to handle them, without sparking another war."

Gerrel stopped eating, and looked straight at Tali, unblinkingly.

* * *

John was driving the 4x4 over the rural plains of Rannoch, and was having the time of his life. It was late evening, the sunset casting elongated shadows from rocks and desert shrubbery, creating a picturesque scene that would make poets dream and artists paint, if he wanted to sound poetic himself. But none of that really mattered to John as he climbed a Rocky dune at high speeds and flying of the peak, going airborne for a few moments before hitting the ground. All he could thing about was how much fun he was having.

"Just like old times in the Mako!" he shouted to no one in particular, feeling his adrenaline pump.

He had left Tali to her meeting, wanting to have no part in any politics-he'd had enough of that dealing with the Citadel Council and the URF- and not wanting to see Han'Gerrel. After all the confrontations the two had had, not all of them known to Tali, ever since his relationship went viral on the Extranet, he was liable to come to blows with him. And he had on some occasions, especially when the two had a fight after his and Tali's wedding. He didn't know why Gerrel was so persistent and aggressive in trying to dissolve their relationship, and frankly, he couldn't bring himself to care. He also wondered how Tali kept herself so restrained around him, since John couldn't resist giving the odd snide comment when the two were forced into a room. John was known for his restraint, but he had none with Tali's supposed 'Uncle'.

All thoughts of Gerrel dissolved as John gained air once again, driving literally like a madman. He had loved the old Mako on the SR1, and _adored_ driving it-although the crew had always given him a hard time about it.

"Probably with good reason." He thought, as he launched on what was practically a small cliff. Anyone else who was sane would probably be afraid, but John? This was just fun!

As he was about to launch himself off yet another dune, his on-board VI spoke up. "The time is 25:30. You told Tali'Shepard you would return by…26:00. Advise you begin journey now, ETA: 25:57 from current location."

John sighed, sorry to end the fun. Not to say he didn't want to go home to Tali, of course. The longer day was beginning to-slowly-wear on him. He turned the 4x4 into the direction of his home, and switched control to the VI. He probably shouldn't drive this late.

"Will I have another dream tonight?"

The thought struck him with intense discomfort. The first night had been bad enough, but months later? It wasn't so much sadness now, just frustration. Extreme frustration, especially for Tali. He saw the worry in her eyes every time he woke up in the night, or he saw something that reminded him of the War. Even with the mask on, the intense worry and pity poured from her. She had overcome her demons during his Coma, and in a way he was selfishly envious of that fact, that she had been able to conquer her Demons, while he seemed to wallow in self-pity about his. And boy did he have many.

Sometimes it was killing Legion as it…no, he watched its fleet burn. Sometimes, it was watching Cerberus forces shoot indiscriminately into crowds of Civilians attempting to fight back on Benning before he could stop them. Sometimes it was Mordin, as he ascended the Shroud- oblivious to the fact John had known about the sabotage since his meeting with the Dalatrass the day before. How close did he come to stopping him, just for some Salarian support? There were so many…and then there was his crucible choice, the most recurring dream. He couldn't talk about that to Tali, after all, how would she react? He made the conscious decision to kill her. She should never know. How pointless the choice was, yet he was willing to make it.

Shepard leant back in his seat, groaning. "Fuck you Reapers. And fuck me, for not letting go."

The VI kept the 4x4 on the smoothest path, but John didn't trust it enough to sleep on the way home. He wanted to keep it under observation, just in case. The scenery remained much the same, the beautiful wasteland that was Rannoch, miles away from any civilization, glowing in the dusk. As John attempted to remain awake, he observed absentmindedly the tall slopes and cliffs that were coming up on his side. A landmark about 10 miles from his and Tali's house, it was a beautiful sight to behold when the sun shone on them. Since his second revival in London months ago, John had been keeping more of an eye on nature, on living things. He couldn't really rationalise it himself, but regardless, he was taking note and marvelling at sights such as these more than he ever had during his Military days.

"Perhaps I just enjoy seeing living things, rather than the dead and the combatants, after the last few years" he mused to himself, watching the rock formations roll on by.

"Maybe I'll have to write one of them poems Tali talked about."

* * *

The signal is definitely originating from the vehicle, sir. Target is en-route south, most likely to their home. Speed approximate: 20 mph. Please advise. Over"

"Roger that Gabriel, keep him in sight. Keep watch and await opportunity. Document all observations of the target. Have you got necessary transport? Over"

"Affirmative. Out"

The figure stood up, and lifted his Viper sniper rifle to his shoulder, looking down the scope at the passing vehicle. He was set up in a small rock hollow in the side of cliffs that John was watching. It was a hastily made observation post, containing only the figure and a Hover-bike, the propulsion jets powered up, ready to be used at a moment's notice.

The vehicle was fast, and the sniper was aware he would have to relocate soon, for fear of losing visual, but he was confident that he knew the location of the target. Besides, the signal it was emitting could be detected from the lower atmosphere, according to their local agents. No, he wasn't screwed if he lost sight.

The sniper lowered their weapon, and stowed it in a holster at the rear of the bike, first detaching the scope. He also activated his Omni-tool, entering his organization's database.

"Search Keyword: Fusion Off-road 4x4, Location: Rannoch. Registration;" he took a quick glance through the scope at the rapidly disappearing 4x4, "RA81 MEI. Display sightings." The sniper then downloaded the results, seeing that there were few. They were mostly just pictures from the local police on-board cameras, and the record of purchase from a couple of months ago. He would scan them later.

The sniper closed the Omni-tool, chuckling to himself slightly. He lifted up his rifle from the holster to re-attach the scope, and then sat on the bike. He took one last look at the target vehicle, being able to see the dust it was kicking up in the distance, before speeding up, dropping down the slope and into the trail of the target, a safe distance away. 'Gabriel' was one of the best Reconnaissance operatives in his unit.

"No target gets away" he thought, as he shadowed the target.

* * *

John pulled up next to his house, pleased to see that the Admirals weren't there still, by the lack of their usual Skycars. The on-board VI manoeuvred the 4x4 into its usual position beside the house, and John stood up, both stretching and yawning at the same time.

"God I'm tired" was the only thought he could properly formulate as he stumbled down from the door of his vehicle, steadying himself on a handlebar. He really should have come back sooner.

He walked over to his door, and unlocked it quickly, anxious to get inside. It was beginning to get dark, and with Rannoch's 31-odd hour day, that meant it was really late, at least to a Human. Thank god his job allowed for that.

"Tali?" he shouted, as he walked through the front door, kicking off his shoes. "You still here, aren't you?" he followed with, in a half-sarcastic voice.

"In…here John" came the sombre reply from upstairs. John was instantly worried, and his anger began to rear its head. His tiredness forgotten, he stormed upstairs into his and Tali's bedroom to find her looking out of the window, without her visor on. She was looking out over the sea. The room was dimly lit by a bedside lamp, but John could make out the tell-tale lines of slight tears running down her face, and her face looked as if she had aged rapidly over the hours John was gone.

She turned to speak to John, but he angrily asked "What did those bloody Admirals say?"

"Nothing… hurtful was said, John." She closed the gap between her and john, him still standing by the door. "Look, John, I need to talk to you-"

John remained angry, enraged to find his wife in this state. Her body language told him all he needed to know, that she was upset. "Is it Gerrel? I swear to god if that…that fucker has said anything," he took a breath, "I'll kill him." He spat the words out, voice laden with venom.

"John, I wish it were that, I do, that would be so much more domestic, but this… just listen to me, ok." Tali could see the anger begin to leave his eyes, as she took his hand in her own. Worry replaced it as the primary emotion he was displaying. John nodded his head, keeping his mouth shut, resolving to listen to his wife.

"During the meal, the admirals told me that…" She searched her mind for a lighter way to put it, but when she couldn't find one, decided just to tell him straight. "The admiralty board have found Dormant Geth, which they think have a likelihood of activating if they attempt to open the underground bunker they're currently housed in. They are also trying to keep in as quiet as possible, hence them coming to us." She took a breath. "They want us to destroy the last of the Geth John."

Tali observed John's reactions, keeping a tight grip on his hand. However, his face remained passive. Long, hourly seconds passed by, and John seemed to take no reaction to the news at all. After around 10 seconds, however, he slowly removed himself from Tali, his face taking a tired, dazed look. Tali let go, and just watched John as he walked out the room. Within moments, from the living room came, came an almost primal roar, which prompted Tali to race downstairs to her husband's side.

"FOR FUCK'S SAKE!" The sound of a smash was heard, and John shouted in pain, cursing the wall he had hit.

Cursing a God, which seemed to be mocking him.


End file.
